in which the protagonist asks, "what is the point?"

i have found it very freeing, over the course of my not-terribly-long life, to disregard, as often as possible, the Way Things Are Done(tm). yes, i eat cheerios for breakfast and watch tv and do christmas even though i'm an atheist. but as far as the prescriptive american life plan, for the most part i'm having none of it. this means i feel no great urge to move to a big house in the suburbs, or buy an suv, or be the blushing bride in a white wedding (putting aside for rhetorical puposes the whole gov-hates-fags situation, not to mention some serious gender incongruities). i have no interest in the traditional trappings of femininity, or hyper-capitalism, which isn't to say that i've managed to somehow live outside those overwhelming societal machines, but rather that i don't actively work on fitting into them. mostly, that crap doesn't matter to me, so i do my best to ignore it.

this means that in a lot of ways i have more flexibility than i would if i were a less contrary sort of person.

the problem is, those schedules and dime store novel plots by which many people order their lives are not just restrictive, but also comforting and supportive. if you know and accept that it is your duty in life to have a white wedding, buy a mcmansion on a golf course, and spend all your money on gas guzzlers and satellite dishes, you're relieved of the stress of having to figure out what in the hell to do next.

this, you might have guessed, is where i am right now. what next?

since no obvious next step is readily apparent, i've been going over in my mind what i've accomplished so far, in search of clues. i'm pretty happy with what i've done so far. i have a graduate degree, a career, a relationship, a dog, a cat, a hybrid. i've published some poetry. i have a cool tattoo, and a lot of books. but now what?

the culural dictate for my particular age group is: wed & spawn. or, failing that, get ahead. none of these things is really all that relevant to my life. i'm as wed as i'm going to get, kids aren't going to be in the picture any time soon (if at all), and i'm not so sure i want to get ahead in my current profession. still, i keep having this feeling that i want to Do Something. and, in the great tradition of my dna donors, i have no idea what that something might be.

argh.