the problem of feminism and gender

in college i stopped identifying as a woman.

well, i don't suppose i really ever did look in the mirror and say, "i am a woman." mostly i was too busy hoping my corporeal manifestation would disappear entirely. however, i did have the "i am a feminist" moment early on (thanks mom), and then later the "i am a dyke" moment compounded that.

then i stopped believing in gender altogether. more specifically i stopped believing in the gender binary that propels our particular breed of patriarchy. (how's that for a jargon-laden phrase? i do apologize. i'm usually more discreet.)

this is somewhat disconcerting because i still consider feminists and dykes "my people," as a friend would put it. but it's hard to reconcile the whole gender ambiguity thing with the very gender-specific ideas of feminism and lesbianism. i feel sort of as though my world is reduced to purely the females of the species, and within that group there are various gender identifications (girly straight girls, butch straight girls, girly queer girls, butch queer girls, etc.)... i don't even know how to describe what i mean, except to say that it's very confusing when i start following the progress of something like the blogher conference when i don't entirely embrace the idea of "women" being a whole and unfractured unit opposed to the equally whole and unfractured unit of "men." says me, it's not that simple!

pretty much i'm at the point where i lurk, because i want to feel connected to those communities, but at the same time i don't know how i feel about defining my experience as being that of one gender.

and as you can tell from this post, i have really no developed explanation or eloquent explication for the discombobulation i'm feeling.

to be continued. probably.